I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
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My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”