Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
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In banana years, I am bread.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
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Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy