Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
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just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier