@9GAG: Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
@XplodingUnicorn: My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today. I learned a lot. For example, apparently I have two kids.
@AbbyHasIssues: I've deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
@VaguelyFunnyDan: Had no idea why my salad was $175, 'til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
@SamGrittner: "I like your tree's earring."
"That's a tire swing."
@RocketRankoon: Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak