Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
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Is fructose made with real fruct?
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.