“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
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If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.