@NoogsCorner: Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
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@stephenjmolloy: Wife: "Tony is coming round" Me: "Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?" Tony: "I'm here for the money." *DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
@Brianhopecomedy: *wife phones* "Hi!" "Hi! Did you clean the house?" "Uhh...YUP!" "OK, I'm coming home. Need anything?" "Yes, about 2 hours."
@AlexvanBeek: Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like "oh yeah, I totally get it."
@juneohara65: Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: "Are you on any meds?" Me: "You might want to grab a notebook."