Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
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i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible