Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
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Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.