My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
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me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
become ungovernable
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”