@DannyEarl: Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it's all panic and screaming

@WittySassBasket: I shall play you the song of my people *stomach growls*

@timdonakowski: Starting a new job today. I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.

@geekysteven: Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.

@IamEnidColeslaw: sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck