Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
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Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
I’d … I’d rather not.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline