Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
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The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
A great tip. #CakeRex
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.