Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
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My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Me, flirting😏
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]