Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
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Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Flock of bats
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen