Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
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If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.