@angibangie: Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
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@Playing_Dad: Cashier: Did you find everything you were looking for? Me: I didn't know there was going to be a test at the end.
@BlackCatBettie: You and I share a very special connection. *I'm parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
@AndyAsAdjective: FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight? ME: uhh…yeah…of course [later] ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
@koala_hugs: a gymnast walks into a bar. she is immediately given a 0.0 and disqualified from Olympic trials. you're supposed to jump OVER the bar, idiot