Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
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devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
#TopTip
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food