Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
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A short story about romance.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
that de-escalated quickly
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.