@envydatropic: Current life status - By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
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@Chumpstring: KIDNAPPER: [on phone] I'm holding your son for ransom. DAD: I have no money, what's the ransom? KIDNAPPER: Bring me one rich kid.
@LeBearGirdle: Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
@EndhooS: "How did you get those scars?" [Flashback to me running into a glass door] They're from Cage fighting.