Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
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*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
podcasts
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot