@MaraWilson: CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there's a cat on my lap
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@donni: When I die, I'm donating my body to Simons. I tell this to every Simon I meet. So far, they're not into it
@DamienFahey: The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
@LazerPunch: I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians...should I be concerned with my safety when I'm up in Heaven?
@EJGomez: *emergency room* NURSE: "we're losing him!" DOCTOR [pouring like a lot of buckets of ice water on his head]: "IM WORKING AS FAST AS I CAN"