@MaraWilson: CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there's a cat on my lap
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@jergarl: *goes to bank Me: Hi, I need a loan. Banker: How much and what for? Me: Seventy three thousand. I'm making guacamole for the super bowl.
@mewritesgood: Hey Google, if I'm searching for "herpes symptoms" then no, no I'm not "feeling lucky."
@PetrickSara: The most horrifying thing I've ever heard: "MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!"
@Parentpains: Avoid confrontations in the work place by slashing your coworker's tires while they sleep.