@Jessdaisy: Current relationship status:
Leaving pizza and beer in the bushes, to lure in stalkers.
@bvinson23: I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I'm an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It's because I'm poor.
@LoveNLunchmeat: Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids' plates.
With your tongue.
@just1fool: Autocorrect changed, "Felt good right?" to "Hours of delight" so I sent it because it's not my lie at this point.
@juliussharpe: Forgot we bought a Christmas tree. Woke up at 2 a.m., went to pee, thought it was a guy and almost called the cops on it.
@JohnLyonTweets: C'mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.