@Jessdaisy: Current relationship status:
Leaving pizza and beer in the bushes, to lure in stalkers.
@BrokenPalabras: Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
@daemonic3: Darth Vader: Luke
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I'm vegan
@Parkerlawyer: Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you're in trouble.
You know she's pissed, you just don't know HOW pissed
@OhNoSheTwitnt: I'm keeping a greater distance behind this truck with a vanity plate that reads "IMTEXAN" than I do behind cars with "Baby on board" signs.
@peterjames48: For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.