Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
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“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Finally a use for spoilers…
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.