DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
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*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other