Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
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Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
I’m being attacked 😭
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
My dog ate my work from home.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Worst perfume name ever.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.