doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
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you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.