@garrettbarry70: Currently helping my wife looking for her favourite vase that I threw out six months ago.
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@ComedicBust: [3:00am] Me: [spooning her] Baby, you up? Her: [playfully] Maaaaybe. Me: Cool. I heard a noise downstairs, can you go check it out?
@JillianKarger: OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for GUARD: [licks lips] I'm not looking for droids handsome
@GroperCleveland: Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.