-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
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Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
And then there were 4
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.