Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
You Might Also Like
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon