@priya_ebooks: currently texting 'Happy Father's Day' to all the men in my phone to freak them out
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@adult_keverage: "Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated." Thank you news-anchor. It's my first summer.
@simoncholland: My wife didn't post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
@pbear79: I asked a waiter how they prepare their chicken. He said... "Meh, nothing special. We just straight out tell them they're going to die."