@priya_ebooks: currently texting 'Happy Father's Day' to all the men in my phone to freak them out
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@ceejoyner: Can't you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
@SkunkFarts: Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I'm stalking her I can tell the cops she's a hooker.
@Quartzjixler: Her: Is breakfast almost ready? Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage. Her: Can't we please wait till after breakfast for that?