Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
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Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
God has left this place
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*