@priya_ebooks: currently texting 'Happy Father's Day' to all the men in my phone to freak them out
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@JohnLyonTweets: I've never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
@RedheadChaos: Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation.. ~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
@mommajessiec: Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.” 7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?” Me: “Yes.” [4 minutes later] 7yo: “What about pants?”
@AlexvanBeek: Being a bigger account doesn't make you a better person. We're all terrible people. We're on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.