[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
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date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.