The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
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I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Single and childfree like Jesus
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.