[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
You Might Also Like
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Everything reminds me of my ex
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.