A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
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Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing