A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
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Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
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Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?