Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
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INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.