Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
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Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.