CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
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The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds