CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
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before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Europe. Made in Germany.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.