Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
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I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂