I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
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I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Wake me when AI does housework
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera