Cauliflower has a good publicist.
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[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave