Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
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COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
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Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Don’t we all.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Stop sending me this shit.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Are you ok, human???
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.