HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
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Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Ah yes. The three genders
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*