[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
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If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him