Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
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Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it