Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
You Might Also Like
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here