Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
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Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
I falcon love using swear birds
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.