Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
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I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
The first matador
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation