Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
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Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.