Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
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A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.