customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
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My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
What’s so funny?
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Anyone want a chair?
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting