Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
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[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.