Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
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I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
My dog ate my work from home.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
No laws when master is gone
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again