Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
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I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.